//Audio Dictation – CURUN05980A-6

Captain’s Log, stardate… uh… one, I guess?

No, that can’t be right. Hold up, let me check with Mech.

//Recording Paused

//Recording Resumed

OK, I asked, and apparently it’s stardate, “What the fonk are you talking about now?” So, let’s just stick with the original plan. It’s stardate one.

Or, does that sound, I don’t know, like I’m not trying? Does ‘stardate one’ make me sound like a rookie?

Fonk it, let’s call it one-point-seven. That sounds spacey, right?

Captain’s Log, stardate one-point-seven. Ish.

We are en route to the Tiskar system. Maybe the T’skar system, I haven’t seen it written down. Why are we going to the Tiskar system? I have no idea.

Here are some other things I don’t know about the Tiskar system:

• How you spell it.
• Where it is.
• Who lives there?
• What’s going to try to kill us? (Because something always does).
• If it has good restaurants.
• What’s the parking situation?
• How MANY things are going to try to kill us?
• Any why? I mean, what have we ever done to them? The shizznods.
• How big it is.
• Will I need a coat?

You’re probably wondering dear Captain’s Log, why we’re hurtling through space towards the Tiskar (Tisscar?) system when I clearly haven’t given the order.

I mean, I’m the boss, right? I have the middle chair. Everyone respects me, more or less. Some less than others, but whatever. I’m the captain. Why else would I be the one dictating the Captain’s Log, if I’m not the big cheese?

And yet, have I given any orders to go to the Tiskar system? No. No, I have not.

I mean, not that I can remember, anyway.

Sure, I was recently fired out of a space cannon, and sustained some pretty major head injuries that left me partially-sighted and unable to talk for almost an hour, but I’m sure I’d remember giving an order to go to a star system I’ve never heard of, right?

That’s not the kind of thing you just forget, partially collapsed cranium or no partially collapsed cranium.

I should probably explain the cannon thing. I’d like to say it was all part of some daring heroic adventure, but truth be told, space cards on the table, I lost a bet.

I mean, I say ‘bet,’ it was more a sort of personal challenge.

OK, technically, if you really want to break it down to its component parts, I got in a fight with a couple of midgets.

Can we say midgets? Is that allowed in space? Hold on.

Hey, Kevin?

Good afternoon, sir. You have activated this device’s integrated AI-link. Any questions posed will be routed to the ship’s mainframe via this terminal, and–

Sure, great! Yadda, yadda. I get it. Quick question. Can we say midgets?

You appear to be, sir, yes, unless my audio input sensors are malfunctioning.

No, I don’t mean can I literally say the word ‘midgets,’ I mean is it offensive?

To me personally, sir?

In general. Like, if I rounded up fifty midgets, and said, “Hey, midgets! How’s it hanging?” would that be problematic?

On a number of levels, sir. Where would we keep them, for one thing?

I don’t know. Like… a cage?

In that case, sir, I suspect you could call them whatever you liked.

Great. Thanks, Kevin. You can stop listening now.

Oh, if only I could, sir.

Anyway, where was I?

In the kitchen, sir.

No. I mean, where was I in the story? And it’s a rhetorical question, I don’t need you to tell me. I need you to stay quiet.

…

OK, so–

From when, sir?

Jesus, Kevin. From them. From earlier. From twenty seconds ago.

And how do you propose I do that, exactly?

Look, just stop talking from now, OK? Just don’t say anything else unless I specifically ask you to.  I’ll say, “Hey, Kevin, can I ask you a question?”

Of course, sir. I live to serve.

No. Fonk. That wasn’t… I didn’t mean…

Forget it. Let’s just say I got on the wrong side of a couple of little people, one thing followed another, and I ended up being shot out of a cannon at a wall. That pretty much covers the pertinent points. And now, we’re on the way to the Tri-Star region.

Triskar system.

Shizz. Yeah. Tri-Star were the movie guys. With the flying horse, right?

I have absolutely no idea, sir.

They were. I’m sure that was them.

Anyway, we’re now on the way to the Triskar system, and nobody has any idea why we’re going there. With the possible exception of Loren and Mech. Maybe Miz, but I doubt she’s all that interested, and Tyrra just tries to punch me in the balls whenever I try to broach the subject with her.

Man, that girl has issues.

Fortunately, I was able to secure myself an armored jockstrap to protect myself from her. And when I say ‘secured myself’ I mean ‘asked Splurt to turn into.’ I’ll be honest, he was kind of hesitant at first, but like I said to him, “What are friends for, if not to occasionally cup your testicles with their face?”

I’m kidding, of course!

He isn’t using his face. I’d say it’s more like his… abdomen? Does he have an abdomen? Hold on, I’ll check.

Splurt, buddy? Do you have an abdomen?

…

Apparently, he doesn’t have an abdomen. Oh, and Splurt? I wouldn’t go jiggling around like that, pal. Just trust me on this one, OK?

Hold on, Loren’s shouting. Be right back.

//Recording Paused

//Recording Resumed

OK, so apparently there’s good news and bad news. The good news is, we’re almost at the Tiskar region, or whatever. The bad news is, those midgets I mentioned earlier? With the cannons? They’re totally chasing us.

I’m hoping one of us dropped a wallet and they’re just trying to return it, but Mech seems to think this is probably unlikely, given that none of us carries a wallet, and that they’ve already shot at us twice.

I should probably go up and be all captainy on the bridge. Maybe I’ll shoot the guns, or I might just sit in the big chair dishing out commands. I’ll play it by ear.

I’ll come back and carry on later, once all this midget-stuff has blown over. Until then, this is Captain Cal Carver of the Currently Untitled, signing off.

…

Hello? Is that…? Is this off?

No, sir.

Shizz. How do I turn it off? Is there a button? How the fonk does–

//Recording Terminated