/Audio Dictation – CURUN05980A-7

Captain’s Log, Stardate… Jesus, I don’t know. It feels like a Tuesday. Stardate Tuesday, we’ll go with that.

The last time I, uh, spoke words into this thing–

Dictated, sir.

Thanks, Kevin. I knew there was a name for it.

I live to serve, sir.

The last time I dictated words into this thing, the ship was being chased by space midgets. They were also in a ship, I mean. They weren’t running through space after us, or anything. With their little legs. Waving their pudgy little fists, faces all bunched up.

Man, that would’ve been adorable.

But, no. They had their own ship. Twice the size of ours, too, which seems impractical. I mean, they’re like, I don’t know, forty percent our size–thirty percent in Miz’s case–so why not make their ship forty percent the size of ours? They could’ve saved the metal. And, I mean, I’m not expert, but spaceships aren’t cheap. Probably.

Kevin, are spaceships cheap?

No, sir.

There you go. Why spend more than you have to on a big ship for tiny people? It’s senseless.

There were three hundred of them aboard, sir.

Three hundred?!

Yes, sir.

Jesus. How do they all fit?

Sideways, sir.

But how do they…? Know what? Fonk it. I don’t want to know.

It’s standard practice for the Ru’k’toorush, sir.

Kevin, I thought we agreed not to call them that. They’re the Midgetarians.

They really aren’t, sir.

Kevin…

Very good, sir. They’re the Midgetarians, grotesquely offensive as that may be.

Thank you. And anyone, not like they’re going to complain about it now.

Not since you killed them all, sir, no.

Hey! Don’t say it like that. We were defending ourselves from attack! They shot us first! And anyone, it was just a warning shot.

A warning shot–

That missed, yes. Or, you know, hit. I’m well aware of what happened. I was there, Kevin. I saw it happen.

And caused it to happen, sir.

And also, yes, caused it to happen. But it was an accident. And they were shooting at us. And they’d already been quite aggressive to me in person earlier, so, there’s that.

…

Seriously, three hundred?

At least, sir. I lost count of them, what with all the different bits floating past in different directions.

OK, so… my bad, I guess? Anyway, can I press on? I’ve got a lot of Captain’s Logging left to do here, and I’m kind of pressed for time. We’re arriving at the Triskar system in just… what?

Eleven hours, sir.

Exactly. So, you know, I should probably get this done ASAP.  I promised Splurt we’d play Name That Thing later, and… shizz.

Name That Thing, sir? I wasn’t aware we had a game scheduled.

Uh, yeah. I mean, no. I mean, it’s not ‘scheduled,’ exactly. It’s more sort of… pencilled in. Nothing’s set in stone yet. It may happen, it may not. It’s… We haven’t decided.

You weren’t going to tell me, were you, sir?

What?! Not tell you?! Why wouldn’t we… OK, no. No. We weren’t going to tell you. But it’s because… you’re so good at it! Between you and me, Kevin, I wanted to give Splurt a fighting chance. Give him a confidence boost, you know?

Really, sir?

No, not really. The last time we played, it took you two-and-a-half days to make a guess, and even then you guessed ‘loneliness’. Loneliness isn’t a thing, Kevin, it’s an abstract emotional concept.

There’s nothing abstract about it from where I’m sitting, sir.

Jesus. Are you trying to make me fell bad? Is that was this is, Kevin?

I wouldn’t dream of it, sir. Don’t mind me. You and Master Splurt play your games. Have your fun. I’ll be here ready to serve whenever you see fit to summon me.

Argh. Fine. OK, you can play. Happy?

Window.

What?

Chair.

No, we haven’t started the fonking…

Not now, Kevin. We’ll play later, OK? Jesus.

I shall look forward to it, sir.

Right, so… Fonk. I’ve completely lost the thread now. Captain’s Log, Stardate Tuesday, yadda yadda, accidentally killed a bunch of space midgets, yadda yadda, Name That Thing…

Oh! Yes. Triskar system. So, I found out why we’re headed there. No one wanted to tell me at first, because they were worried it would go to my head, but get this–apparently, we’re celebrities there!

I mean, mostly me, I’m assuming, what with my having been hunted on live TV for half the galaxy to see, but I’m letting the others think it’s partly them, too. I’m nice like that.

Fame, of course, brings other rewards. Some, I don’t know, production company or whatever wants to give us a shizzload of money. Presumably, they’ll want to interview us (me), maybe get us (me) doing some sort of ads or endorsements, or whatever. Maybe they’ll put us (me) in a movie!

Whatever, it’s going to be a nice change from all the bad shizz that usually happens to us – big space-time monsters, spider-dragons, squirrel’s tits.

Ozzy Osbourne that one time.

Spending some time on Easy Street is going to be pretty sweet, after all that. And I, for one, cannot wait to get started!

Brimprickles.

…

What? What the fonk’s a ‘brimprickle’?

It’s a thing, sir. Do I win?

No, Kevin, we still hadn’t… Actually, you know what? Yes. Yes, you’ve won. Congratulations. Game over. You got us again!

Well done me!

Well done you, Kevin. Now, if you’ll excuse me, Splurt and I will go practice. We’ll get you next time!

Bring it on, sir!

Oh, we will bring it on, Kevin. We will bring it on! Just give us, like, a few months to improve our game without your involvement, and we’ll give you a fight you won’t forget!

I shall look forward to it, sir.

Great. Well, OK. I think that’s a wrap for this Captain’s Log. I’ll report back once we reach the Triskar system and become galactic sensations. Assuming we aren’t already.

This is Captain Cal Carver of the Currently Untitled, signing off.

…

…

Hello?

Hello, sir.

Jesus, Kevin, again? I thought we agreed, when I said the signing off part, you’re supposed to–

//Recording Terminated