The last few weeks have been pretty rough, thanks to a close relative upping and dying on us (the fourth to do so in the past 12 months.) I was in a bit of a slump when I logged into the Team Space Team Facebook group and was met with a post from Space Team superfan, Penny Willow.
‘Superfan’ is no exaggeration. Penny has listened to the audiobooks and read the Kindle versions so often that at this point she knows more about the Space Team Universe than I do.
Penny is also very active in the Team Space Team group, and decided to share her love of the series with the other members by writing a Space Team version of “The Night Before Christmas” poem. The result is something genuinely brilliant, full of callbacks to things that have happened in the series, and capturing each of the characters brilliantly.
The poem put a smile on my face, but also brought a tear to my eye. It’s always nice to hear from people who’ve enjoyed the Space Team books, but Penny the thought that someone living thousands of miles away would take the time to write something like this gave me a genuine lump-in-throat moment.
And then, as if that wasn’t amazing enough, the brilliant Phil Thron only went and recorded the audio version, turning something great into something truly incredible.
So, settle down in front of a roaring log fire, pour yourself some space eggnog, and enjoy Penny Willow’s The Night Before Kroyshuk in all its glory. The audio version is below, with the original text version immediately below that.
If you enjoy Phil’s reading, and haven’t done so already, you might want to check out the first Space Team audiobook. If you aren’t already an Audible subscriber you can grab it free in the US here, or in the UK here.
Oh, and Merry Kroyshuk, everyone…
THE NIGHT BEFORE KROYSHUK by Penny Willow
‘Twas the night before Kroyshuk and all through the ship,
Not a sensor was stirring –
not even a blip.
The Space boots were hung by the reactor with care
Although Mech had told Cal
“It’s too dangerous there!”
Cal hadn’t listened, the guy never learns,
and Loren had bandaged his 3rd degree burns.
Now he was sleeping, snug in his bed,
bits of Banoffee stuck to his head.
Snoring quite loudly, his cheeks all a-billow
and drooling a little on his fluffy green pillow.
Mech heard it first – the warning bleep.
He was standing on duty since robots don’t sleep.
“I ain’t a fonking robot” he says with a sigh
(Cal’s right it’s hilarious to mess with this guy).
The sirens start blaring and Kevin’s voice screams:
“We’re under attack! I’ll put it on screen”
The crew were all up now and on the alert
(Well all except Cal and quite possibly Splurt).
Cal was still yawning and rubbing his eyes
And Splurt was just Splurt (now there’s a surprise).
Outside the space ship by docking bay two,
the strangest of spacecraft silently flew.
“Space is a vacuum of course there’s no sound!”
Thanks Mech, always handy to have a ROBOT around.
“I ain’t…oh forget it – just get this thing told”
“Sir” butts in Kevin “if I may be so bold,
that ship looks familiar, I’ve seen it before,
I think it’s just decked out like a ten dollar whore”
“We can say whore?” Cal blurts with surprise
Then sheepishly grins as he meets Loren’s eyes.
“Not that I want to, not that I would,
Just making a note of what I can and I could”
If I can get back to my story…”whatever” says Miz,
without interest – I mean does she ever?
“The ship” explains Kevin “if you look past the dazzle..”
“You’re not fonking saying it’s flown by Vajazzle??!”
“No Master Cal, don’t be daft,
I’m saying it’s actually a Space take-out craft”.
“Did we order pizza….Space pizza I mean”
asks Cal, eyes on Mech with a devilish gleam.
“I hate you man” Mech says with a groan,
“no Sir” replies Kevin “it’s Nana Joan”.
Sure enough in the bay from the tinselly ship
steps an old woman with a gun on each hip.
“Come on young Higgsy and our tough little Kholo,
move along Jork there’s a lot more to follow.
Come Tobey and Tim, come Soonsho and Dorid,
Let’s hurry up Junta and little Miss Horrid…
Tyra I mean, no need to scowl
(and the little girl stomps off the ramp with a growl)
There you are Ronda – with Spit Nibbles I see
And you also brought Narp…..reluctantly.
Come on then Artur, step lively Ollie,
There you are Deadman, my aren’t you jolly!”
Deadman strode down in a wrinkled red suit,
And over his shoulder was a big bag of loot.
His cheeks were quite sunken, his mouth was a scowl,
His left arm was missing, his odour was foul.
When he spoke his voice was both dusty and wet:
“I lost a motherfonking bet”.
“What is all this?” Loren asked quite amazed
“It’s Kroyshuk of course” Cal beamed, slightly dazed
“Kroyshuk without all your friends would be silly”
his voice trailing off as he thought about Lily.
And just as he did, who should walk through the door..
with Cal number 2 (and 90 odd more).
Cal looked around, what could he say,
for squashed like sardines in the landing bay,
was just about everyone that he held dear…
So for once he said nothing just blinked back a tear.
What a party they had, it went on all night,
Even Miz’s tail wagged (once), what a sight!
Artur got drunk – man he was a riot,
And everyone sang (although Soonsho stayed quiet).
There was dancing and laughter and eating and clapping
And in Artur’s case – a lot of face slapping.
Much later when all of the guests have gone home,
And Loren and Cal have a moment alone,
Cal looks at Loren, his eyes all aglow
“You know that you’re standing under Space Mistletoe”
“It’s 7 feet wide, it’s a bit hard to miss”
Then she closes her eyes and leans in for a ..
Would you look at the time, where did it go?
You sit down for a minute and before you know –
Half the day’s gone and you’ve written a tome
Instead of a fairly simple poem.
If you’ve gotten this far – thank you my friend
You’ll be pleased to know, this is almost the end.
There’s just one thing to say, and I must get it right,
Happy Kroyshuk to all, and to all a good night!!
Brilliant poem Penny. Well done
Awesome!!!
This poem and the audio version will go down in Space Team history as the most defining moment of the whole series. If this doesn’t prove that Penny and Phil’s collaboration shows the dedication of Space Team fans, nothing will and truly cements the idea of a tv/film version of these amazing books…
Team Space Team folks are some of the nicest, funniest, most grammatically correct fans I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. That Penny wrote — and then Phil recorded! — this perfect piece really made our holiday. Your books have kept us laughing over here in the states through some really awful and confusing times, Barry. You and your characters deserve every ounce of respect and adoration we fans have for you (as do Phil and Penny for their brilliance). Happy Kroyshuk!
Thank you to you, Mr Thron and all Space Teamies. x
Great stuff Penny!
Seasons best wishes to one and all ❤️
Fonking wonderful!! Penny and Phil are brilliant!!
Merry Kroyshuk/Chritmas to all..
Fonking awesome! Merry Christmas, all!
That was awesome, thanks soo much for sharing it with us all.
Thank you Penny and Phil. It’s Christmas Eve as I read this–a real treat. Penny, I believe you also posted that wonderful doggie school drop out video that kept me laughing for a week or more.
Merry Christmas to all who celebrate, or Happy Christmas for those on the other side of the pond. Barry, I’m sorry for your loses. I’m glad you find support in your loyal Team Space Team.
Brilliant!!
Great job all!
So Barry must be feeling a bit nervous now I mean not only is this in his style but it is so well written into the night before Chrismats. Pure Genious.
Beutifully done Penny and Phil superb as always.
Merry Fonking Kroyshuk everyone.
Excellent!
Thank you Penny, and thank you Phil. That was a truly wonderful way to roll over from Christmas eve into Christmas day, lay here next to my lovely wife of 43 years. It truly was a lot special
. Happy Christmas to all you Space Yeam fans, and to Barry for pulling us all together. Love, peace and sausages, from Jan and myself, Dave
That was great fun. I have been eyeing the series at Audible. It is in my Wish List. Thanks for sharing the fun. Merry Christmas and Happy Kroyshuk.
That was very good. I will added it to my meager collection of “Twas The Night Before …”
All through space
All creatures short and tall
Are rejoicing that an antiquated sleigh
That has been decked out for space
Is still running all over the place.
So that the band on board can transmit
Their own tunes and that the driver
Can still get in (and out) of any place
Leaving assorted packages of joy.
Penny Willow the poem was perfect!! Thank you Barry for having Phil read it. What a wonderful Christmas Day Treat!!
Superb. Happy Christmas everyone.
Cute.
Brilliantly done Penny!
And my condolences to you Barry J.
May 2019 be a better year.
And to all the rest of the SpaceTeam universe Happy Kroyshuk and a Merry ChristmaHanuKwanzaaKah to all!!
Brilliant, Penny! I loved the poem, so fun and emotion at the same time. Thank you. Happy New Year!
Wonderful!